


A Choice

by aradiantsun (drivemyheart)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Jily Secret Santa 2013
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-26
Updated: 2013-12-26
Packaged: 2018-01-06 04:19:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1102319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drivemyheart/pseuds/aradiantsun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lily thought she knew who she was and where she was going in the world.  And then she met James.  AU with darker themes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Choice

**Author's Note:**

> For shannonrandomshizz: I had quite a lot of fun writing this, but I had to divide my free time between the gift exchange and working on my church's Christmas Eve service, and I wasn't able to complete this story in time for Christmas. What you have here is part one of two, and I promise to have the second half finished and delivered to you by New Year's Day. I assure you that there will be much more Jily interaction in the second half. I'd been wanting to write something darker and you gave me the perfect opportunity to do so! Happy Christmas, and best wishes to a wonderful new year!
> 
> Author's Note: Title inspired by a passage in Rick Yancey's The Fifth Wave - “I'm falling faster than the speed of light into that black hole […] chewing its way through the galaxy of my soul while I clung to a choice—a choice who is looking at me now as if for the last time.” Music that inspired the writing includes Jimmy Eat World's “Blister”, Jewel's “Jupiter (Swallow the Moon)”, and Stretch Arm Strong's “For Now”. Thanks goes out to Amelia Kahaney for the epigraph in her novel The Broken Hearted which I could not get out of my head while brainstorming and subsequently had to use as well. Slight inspiration was also taken from the novel itself, more for the mood and feel than its actual plot, but this is me covering all my bases.

“Let us dream of blood and pulse and ebb and flow. Let us consider tide and beat and throb and hum. Let us unweave the web of artery and vein, the fluttering jetties of the valves, the coursing of ions from cell to cell, the sodium that is your soul, the potassium that is your personality, the calcium that is your character.” - Brian Doyle

* * *

A cold finger of dread slowly trailed its way down Lily's spine. She felt the hair on the back of her neck rise and her every instinct inside was screaming at her to grab her wand from where it rested on the table and fight. Yet the young woman merely swallowed down the inexplicable fear that had come over her. She kept her fingers steady on the thick parchment before her, head bent and eyes focused on the tightly written Latin.

“What's that you're reading, Pet?”

Lily should have known it was Bellatrix. The older female had tormented Lily her entire life with her own particular brand of hatred. Even now, years after Lily had reached her majority the thought of being along with Bellatrix Lestrange caused Lily's heart to race. Really, she scolded herself, she should have known that aura of malice anywhere. Lily knew her fear of the older woman wasn't normal. A person shouldn't fear his or her sister-in-law, right?

“Well, Pet?” Bellatrix's harsh voice came from behind Lily once more.

Lily ran her dry tongue against the roof of her mouth. “Sev brought over some spellwork he wanted me to look over.”

Bellatrix snorted indelicately and reached out a hand to swipe the parchment from the table. Lily remained posed as she had been, determined not to let on how badly she wanted to flee the room. “Why would Severus Snape ask you to look these over?” the elder witch asked with a sneer.

Lily closed her eyes as her heart sank. Everyone knew that Lily and Severus Snape were close. They had spent nearly every day of their lives together and there was talk of there being something more between them now that they were older. It made Lily's stomach church to even think of it. Severus was the brother she'd gained after losing her entire family to the violence that seemed never ending in their world. But Bella knew her better than either witch would like to admit in good company. If Lily lied, her sister-in-law would know and some form of punishment would be swift. If Lily told the truth, though, Bella would twist the younger witch's words and some form of retribution was sure to come from other quarters, most likely her own adoptive brothers. Neither option appealed to Lily so she opted for a third. “Sev asked me to look them over because he wanted to make sure of the spells' mechanics before-”

“But why _you_?” the woman whispered, lips moving against Lily's ear. Her breath was hot and sour-smelling.

So much for for trying to be demure. Honest it was, then. “Because I have a talent for-”

Lily's head snapped back as Bellatrix pulled down forcefully on the fistful of hair in her hand. Twelve and three-quarters of walnut pressed in a fine point into Lily's throat, right against her pulse. “You're nothing but a talentless cockroach.”

The wand beside Lily's right hand twitched and rolled a few centimeters towards the edge of the desk. Lily wanted to cry with relief when she saw, but she knew she had to keep her sister-in-law's attention on her for a few more moments. Opening her eyes turned her head and looked straight at her tormentor, her heart ready to leap from her ribcage. “Why don't you share that theory with Lord Voldemort?”

Bellatrix tugged on Lily's hair again, pulling a few strands from the seated witch's scalp. She pressed her wand further into Lily's skin and leaned down, a sneer plastered on her mouth. “You-”

“Share what theory with me?” a soft, masculine voice inquired.

Bellatrix released her hold as if burned and Lily heard the woman's robes swish as she turned and began groveling. For her part, Lily brought a hand up to rub the back of her neck. Blood was pounding so loudly in her ears that she didn't hear Bellatrix's voice cut off or the heavy, evenly spaced footsteps that stopped beside her chair. The cold hand on her shoulder made her jump. She slowly raised her head to meet, however briefly, the eyes of the man who had brought her back from the brink of death when she was a child. Eyes that were red, but never bloodshot.

“Are you all right, Lily?” he questioned her, one of his fingers stretching out to caress her cheek.

Her neck throbbed, her scalp ached, and she desperately wanted to be back in her flat, away from from the darkness of the Death Eaters' library. Sh smiled weakly. “I'm fine, my lord.”

Voldemort lifted his hand from her shoulder and placed his fingertips against her temple, pushing her head to the right, revealing the red pressure point Bella's wand had left. His gaze lingered on the spot before he withdrew his hand entirely. Whether or not he believed her he nodded once and took the paper from Bellatrix's hands. “Are these the spells you were telling me about, Severus?”

“Yes,” was the succinct reply from the end of the row of desks. Lily glanced towards her best friend and her smile grew stronger. Same old Severus Snape. His midnight blue robes and jet black hair lent him the makings of perfect camouflage, but his pale complexion let him down. He was a formidable man, but to Lily he would always be the awkward and gangly boy of her childhood. Snape met her gaze briefly and raised a brow. Lily shook her head gently and the friends both turned their attention to Voldemort. Bellatrix was doing a poor job of hiding her fury, but she knew better than to speak out of turn.

“What do you think, Lily? Are they safe to use?” Voldemort didn't look up from the list of spells. He held the parchment in one hand and drew his wand out of a pocket with his other. He went through the proscribed motions of a spell from the list. The churning sensation in Lily's stomach returned when she recalled what exactly that particular spell did. She'd been shocked when she'd read Severus' notes that followed the Latin incantation.

Lily stood from her chair and bowed her head politely. “Safe to use on the caster, yes. I believe so.” She silently scolded herself for how uncertain she sounded even as she spoke. “I haven't had time to test any of them, to confirm their results to Severus', but the gestures are able to be completed smoothly at various speeds. Even taking into account possible variances between different casters, the results should be the same.”

“Would you like to be the first to try one out?”

Lily's heart stopped, her breath caught in her throat. She looked to Severus who tried to maintain his ever-present facade of boredom and then to Bellatrix who knew exactly what Lord Voldemort was asking Lily. The young witch bowed more respectfully to the wizard. “Thank you, my lord, but it is late and I have a mission tomorrow. I should go home to prepare and rest.”

Voldemort looked at her appraisingly. “Are you certain? I don't make offers like this lightly, you know. It's rare that such opportunities to see new magic in action occur these days.”

Lily knew it was a test, but she wasn't ready to be like all the other witches and wizards she knew. Not yet. “Thank you, but no.”

Voldemort continued to watch her silently before nodding once more. “Safe travels and happy hunting. I look forward to hearing positive results.”

With one last bow Lily grabbed her wand from the desk and her bag from the floor. She left room between herself and the two older adults as she walked past them. Snape reached out to grasp her elbow as she neared him. “I'm fine,” she whispered.

“”May I come over tonight?”

Lily shook her head. “I meant what I said. I'll owl you when I get back.”

“Be careful.”

“Always,” she promised. The short walk through the library allowed Lily to catch her breath, but the aisles crammed with books did nothing to muffle the sound of Bellatrix's cries as Voldemort experimented with Snape's creations.

Once outside and past the library's wards Lily breathed in the wet London night. The sidewalks and pavement reflected the streetlights, automobile tires splashed in puddles, and boisterous voices rang out from the pubs and restaurants. Muggles were so alive. Even as a drunken man stumbled from a doorway to the gutter and proceeded to empty his stomach of its contents Lily couldn't help but be fascinated. She knew the threat they posed to magical people like herself; that Muggle-born witches and wizards were a dangerous anomaly, but she envied them every now and then. Lily's life was a set of rules and regulations. Unspoken codes and hierarchies. She wasn't fool enough to think such things didn't exist outside of the Wizarding World, but the glimpses of Muggle life that she saw revealed a _joie de vivre_ she was missing in her own life. Maybe if she still had a family – her _real_ family – it'd be different.

There were times Lily would lie in bed and an echo of a lullaby whose words she couldn't make out would play in her head. She had never been sang to growing up under the Lestranges' care, that's simply not the type of family they were, so the song must have come from her biological mother. The trace of warmth that the lullaby within her was locked tightly away in the depths of her heart, though. Whatever life she'd known, whatever woman she may have become had been stolen from her when she was just a girl.

The vomiting man coughed wetly and laughed as another man exited the bar with a glass of water. The recently sick man took the glass and tipped his head back and gargled before spitting into the pile of his filth. He raised the glass to his lips again and swallowed, slapping his friend on his shoulder and leading the way back inside.

Maybe Lord Voldemort was right. Maybe the world would be better off without Muggles, Mudbloods, and half-breeds. Maybe blood traitors were no better than those they sought to help. But the only people Lily wants to destroy were those that had murdered her family.

The Order of the Phoenix.

* * *

 

A moment later Lily popped into the alley outside of her flat. After making sure that the coast was clear she turned onto the sidewalk and pulled out her key. A dog barked down the street and its male owner yelled at it to be quiet. The dog ignored the command, but Lily was inside before she could hear how that pleased the man. The elevator was empty and the ride to the fifth floor was uninterrupted. After opening the door to her unit Lily kicked off her shoes and dropped her bag onto the floor. Her keys landed with a clatter in the bowl they called home after she locked the door. Lily made her way down the hallway to her bedroom, peeling off her clothes as she went. A flick of her wrist set the defensive wards she'd placed on the apartment and with a sigh she fell onto her bed. As she drifted to sleep on top of her blanket she heard a barking dog – the same one from before? - followed by the laughter of two men.

* * *

 

Five o'clock came too soon. Lily groaned and flailed her hand about her bedside table to shut the alarm off. Once it was silenced she stretched out, fingertips grazing her headboard while her toes brushed past the footboard. With a deep breath she pulled herself into a seated position and threw her legs over the side of her mattress. The wood floor was cool beneath her bare feet as she padded towards her dresser. She grabbed at whatever was on top of each drawer she opened and dressed herself with minimal fumbling. She stumbled into the bathroom and bumped into the sink. She hissed unhappily and turned the cold water tap on, splashing her face several times until the cold finally woke her up. She stared at her reflection in the small mirror above the sink. The hair framing her face was a deeper shade of red due to its wetness from her ablutions, making her look paler. Her green were were dull from having just woken up. It was the same every morning and yet something felt odd. Lily tried to chalk it up to the fact that she'd finally gotten a lead on her family's murderers.

Voldemort had been hesitant to let her go after the Order. Talent like hers, he had told her, needed to be developed and put to better use than petty revenge. So she had studied and practiced. She'd done everything he had asked her, including staying put while her peers joined the ranks of Death Eaters on the front lines of the fight against their enemies and she had finally been granted this opportunity. It wasn't the first time she'd been assigned a mission by any means, but this was the first time she'd be alone. Failure or success rested squarely on her shoulders and if she came back with nothing she wasn't sure when she'd have a second chance.

Thomas Bones of Oxfordshire. Did he feel any remorse for killing her parents and sister? Did he have any idea that today would be his last? That the girl he failed to kill was coming for him?

Lily walked back to her bedroom, found her wand under her bed, and charmed her hair brushed and plaited. She tied it with an elastic as she walked to her kitchen. A bowlful of porridge, a cup of orange juice, and a banana were quickly devoured. Lily washed the pile of dishes and then set about tidying up her flat. It was a small space, a far cry from the manor she'd grown up in. It was just big enough for her and that was all that mattered. The walls were bare of artwork and the furniture was one step of from utilitarian, but it was all _hers_. After a lifetime of hearing how as an adopted daughter none of the Lestrange property was hers, how she was only allowed to use it as long as she remained in their home, Lily was taking her time to explore her taste. Her bedroom had been first. She'd caught sight of her ironwork bed frame while walking past an second-hand store and had instantly fallen in love with it. The shopkeeper she'd bought it from referred to it as being perfect for the “shabby chic” look due to its chipped paint, but went on to explain how Lily could touch up or entirely repaint the frame. Lily had never heard of “shabby chic” before but she'd listened patiently while the old woman had talked and had bought it without any hesitation after hearing its price, near pauper that she was. A feminine set of bedclothes and a matching pair of a dresser and bedside table had followed.

Severus had sneered and commented that he didn't know she was such a fan of country cottage living, but the next time he'd visited he brought a painting of the seaside with him as a gift. Lily had hung it up in her bedroom and now as she entered the room with yesterday's clothes rescued from the hallway floor she couldn't help but look at the artwork. It was a wizarding painting of a sunny day. The waves rolled gently onto the sand while a couple picnicked safely out of the tide's reach. Despite having lived in England her whole life she had never been to the coast. Lily knew that one day, she'd like to go. Maybe even have a picnic with a beau, but she'd have to find one first.

“And that is a project for another day,” she told herself. The couple in the painting turned towards her but Lily waved their curiosity off. “Just talking to myself,” she murmured. She stowed her laundry in its hamper and glanced at the clock beside her bed. It wasn't yet six o-clock, but Lily was ready to go. Bones wouldn't leave his house until eight forty-five, but if she left now Lily would have more than enough time to set up her ambush.

* * *

 

Over the past several weeks of surveillance Lily learned that Thomas Bones was a man of habit. Monday through Friday he would kiss his wife good-bye, tug on his teenage daughter Amelia's mousey brown braid, pinch his youngest son's cheek, and leave to catch the Muggle bus that would drop him off in central Oxford. From there he would Apparate just outside of the Ministry of Magic where he worked in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. He would met up with his elder son, Edgar, who was training to be an Auror, at the public restroom connected to the Ministry and they'd arrive at work together. Thomas enjoyed lazy weekends at home, generally only leaving if duty called or his wife made plans for them elsewhere.

The walk from his home to the bus stop took Mr. Bones five minutes and it was during this interval that Lily planned to strike. Bones was a highly respected wizard, not an easy opponent by any means. Even knowing that she was one of the best hands at charms and that she could hold her own in a duel didn't keep Lily from growing nervous. This mission was the culmination of years of longing filled with anger, questions, and hard work. She knew it was also a test. With the answer to her family's deaths finally hers she could direct her efforts to the Death Eater cause. Once she was officially amongst their numbers she would have more opportunities. She couldn't allow for anything to go wrong.

She chose a spot just out of sight from the Bones' home and set up a ward four meters square. Inside of it she cast cast recognition charms that would trap a witch or wizard. The space would shrink in intervals Lily could control. No noise from inside could be heard outside of it, and it rendered its captured prey magically impotent while still allowing her to cast spells normally. Disillusionment charms on the exterior of the ward hid from sight anyone inside of it and any spells cast outside of it but directed into it could filter through to the inside. It was a mentally taxing process to set everything up, but Lily smiled grimly at her work. She cast one last charm to mask the magical traces of her work and donned the invisibility cloak she borrowed from Severus.

With slightly more than an hour to wait, Lily settled in across the street from the Bones' home and attempted to prepare herself mentally for her task. She had never killed anyone before, though she had been witness to death a few times. When the time came, would she be able to take Thomas' life? Lily knew she needed to, but no matter how easily Severus and all the others treated the action she couldn't help but question if she could do it without blinking an eye like they did. She squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath. She exhaled slowly and pushed the doubts towards the back of her mind. “Don't think too far ahead, Lily,” she whispered to herself. “Getting your answers is more important, focus on that.”

She opened her eyes in time to see the door to the Bones' home open. Edgar Bones stepped out, followed by his wife. Lily checked her watch, it was just before eight. She shot to her feet in panic. The couple shared a kiss that Thomas interrupted with a chuckle, playfully pushing his son down the front steps. The rest of the Bones family stepped out and the usual ritual commenced, ending with the addition of Thomas quietly patting his daughter-in-law's cheek. The deviation confused Lily and she found herself having to hurry to catch up to the father and son. She had only planned for one victim. She'd have to handle two; there was no time to call for help.

Lily hurried into place, gripping her wand with white knuckles. A cyclist was coming up the sidewalk from the direction the men were headed. Only once or twice had this happened when Lily had been planning the ambush. Lily bit her lip, it was another small deviation that would cost her some of her attention. She would have to time it perfectly, but she could make illusionary clones of the men so that if the cyclist turned around she would still see the men she just past. Time seemed to slow down as Lily waited for the men to enter the ward. The cyclist pedaled by, unaware of what was about to happen.

Lily silently activated the wards and cast the clone charm. Edgar sensed the wards before his father but not in time to save either of them. Both men raised their wands. “Show yourself!” Thomas cried.

“I suppose... It's not like either of you will be able to tell anyone who you saw. After all, neither of you will be getting out of here alive,” Lily replied, pulling off the invisibility cloak and tucking it through her belt.

“Expelliarmus!” Edgar tried, believing that it was enough to gain the upper hand. He paled when nothing happened.

Lily casually brought her wand up and aimed at the younger man. “Stupefy!” Thomas moved but Lily turned to him and quietly spoke, “Deprimo.” Thomas' body jerked and he fell to his knees with a crunch. He fought against the invisible weight pressing down on him but within moments he was laying prone on the ground. Lily kept her wands trained on him as she stepped closer, her heart pounding so hard against her ribcage she thought it would break through. She crouched down and poked his side with her wand. “Thomas Bones, I've waited years for this.”

“Who are you?” There was no fear in his voice as he twisted his neck so that he could watch her. He would be an Auror until his end, it appeared.

“My name is Lily Lestrange.”

Bones narrowed his eyes at her. “The Lestranges have no daughters.”

Lily removed her wand from his side momentarily to activate the shrinking action of the ward's walls. “Not officially, no. But that's not why we're here, Thomas. Would you like to know the reason?” She fought to keep her voice steady. This was different from all the interrogation lessons she had sat through.

“'Not officially'? What's that supposed to mean?”

“Sixteen years ago, Thomas, a family was murdered. A father, a mother, and a young girl. You were there. They died by your hand. Do you remember?”

“The Lestranges have no biological daughters and any bastards would go unclaimed because they all ready have an heir and a spare. Besides which, you don't have the family look about you. They're some of the most ardent blood supremacists, so they wouldn't adopt just anyone, and a daughter wouldn't do anything to improve their standing and their connections. It would be big news in wizarding circles, but no one's ever heard of you which means they kept silent about you on purpose.”

“There was another girl that night, Thomas. She survived.”

“Sixteen years ago? I was promoted to deputy head of the D.M.L.E. Around that time.” Edgar's body slowly rolled over as the walls crept inward. Thomas' eyes flickered to the movement before returning to Lily's face.

Lily grit her teeth and shoved her wand into his side. His diversionary tactics wouldn't work on her. “You murdered my family, Thomas Bones, and I want to know why!”

“Sixteen years ago... Murdered family with a daughter who escaped...” his eyes bore into hers.

“Answer me, Bones. Do you remember them?”

“Up near Manchester.”

Lily withdrew her wand slightly.

“It was a mission for the Order of the Phoenix. Went sour.”

Lily halted the walls. “Why?”

Bones twitched. “Death Eaters.”

“My family?” No one had ever spoken of her birth family to her after it was discovered she had amnesia, Voldemort had ordered it so. When she would inquire about them as a young girl she was told her family had been unfortunate collateral in the fight against Albus Dumbledore's followers. Lily had always just assumed they had been Death Eaters not very high in standing. Were they killed for their allegiance to Voldemort? Bones mentioned Manchester. Was that where she was from, originally? Severus grew up just outside the city, in Cokeworth. Did he know more about her than he let on? “My family!” Lily prodded the man again. Her wand sparked with blue light.

Thomas Bones' body stiffened and his eyes widened in recognition and surprise. “Evans.”

Lily froze at the name. Was it hers? She sorted through the list of pureblood families she'd memorized during her early education. Evans wasn't on the list of the best bred families, and she couldn't recognize it from the names of lower stature. She opened her mouth to ask another question but Thomas Bones' eyes were unblinking. Lily felt her gorge rise and quickly pushed the wizard onto his back and pointed her wand at his chest. “Rennervate!” Nothing happened. His chest wasn't moving. “No!” She screamed at him, pounding his chest. “Wake up, you bastard!” It was no use. A groan from nearby drew her attention to the younger man as he came to.

“Defedio!” Lily cried, wand aimed at Edgar as she fell out of her crouch. She pushed her hands against the ground and clumsily rose to her feet. Edgar lay twitching on the sidewalk as his blood drained from his body. Lily's stomach heaved, acid rising in her throat. She glanced between the two men, so alike in looks. One dying and the other dead. She lurched to the side and leaned forward, the contents of her stomach spilling out with a wet splatter. She was reminded of the man from the pub the previous night. Humans really were all the same, weren't they? Lily cast a cleansing charm on her mouth, dropped the wards, and Apparated back to London.

* * *

 

She hadn't killed Thomas. Not really. Right? Lily ran through the events in her mind as she plowed along the bust city streets. She'd never heard of anyone dying from Deprimo before. The force it caused wasn't enough to damage internal organs, and the way his body had moved – that was common in heart attacks, wasn't it? Bones wasn't an old man, but he had a stressful job he had worked at for decades. That alone was enough to trigger a heart attack. No, Lily hadn't killed him: she'd just sped up the inevitable. But Edgar Bones. She did kill him. Or did she? She hadn't looked, truth be told. There was so much blood she couldn't tell if the worst of the spell had hit something vital. She'd let the wards down without making sure, though. Maybe he was able to make it back to his father's house. Maybe he was able to scream or otherwise signal the danger he was in. And he had seen her! Oh, Merlin was she an idiot. The mission wasn't a complete failure, but-

“Oi!”

It took every ounce of control within her for Lily to keep her wand in her pocket as she spun around to look at the man she had run into. “I'm sorry,” she breathed, ready to continue on her way before her panic attack could get worse. Oh, why had she come to London? She should have gone to the countryside.

“I just bought that,” the man sighed. He held one hand out in front of him, holding a cup whose contents were splattered all over his arm and shirtfront.. The cup was nearly empty now, its lid lay on the pavement at his feet. He plucked at the sopping material of his shirt, pulling it away from his chest. Lily looked up from the stain and straight into a pair of hazel eyes framed by an old-fashioned pair of glasses. His lips began to curl upwards but he was jostled by another pedestrian and grimaced as the hand holding his cup moved. “Hot.”

“Oh. Oh gosh. I'm so sorry,” Lily felt her face flush with embarrassment, unable to leave.

“Sorry enough to buy me another?” The man's grimace slowly relaxed into a smile as he flitted his eyes over her face.

“What?”

“Well, I had just bought this cup of tea since I woke up too late for work to make a cuppa at home. Can't function without it, you see,” his eyes lit up with an amusement that seemed to be at odds with his story. “So if you're really as sorry as you say you are, the least you could do is buy me another.”

Lily's head was buzzing. “Most people just say, 'watch where you're going'.”

The man smirked. “I'm not most people.”

Lily stared at him. Her heart was pounding, her anxiety over what had just happened in Oxford kept a constant litany of fears running through her mind, she was sure she looked like a mess, and this Muggle man was _flirting_ with her? She didn't have time for this. She had gotten two clues from Thomas Bones and she had to start investigating them. If Edgar Bones somehow managed to survive she had to have something to ease the blow of her compromised mission. If she could find something before the D.M.L.E. Got involved and before reporting to Voldemort, then maybe-

“All right there?” the man's voice snapped Lily out of her reverie. His eyebrows were furrowed as he tilted his head to the side in concern. He had a wild mass of black hair that was so messy it looked as if he hadn't been lying about his time problems.

“But you're late,” Lily answered dumbly, trying to divide her fears from the conversation at hand.

“Huh?”

“You want me to buy you another cup of tea, but you'll be even later to wherever it is you're headed if I do.”

The man chuckled and drained the meager remains of his drink. “In for a penny, in for a pound.” He offered her his free hand. “I'm James.”

Her body moved before she could think, her hand fitting comfortably in his. “Lily.”

His hand was warm, his fingers and palm pleasantly calloused. He was attractive and flirtations. Lily barely knew James for five minutes and she was all ready intrigued by him. “I can't,” she heard herself saying. “I'm... I'm in a rush. Which is why I bumped into you. I wasn't paying attention. I'm sorry.”

“That's three times. It must be true.”

Lily's heart refused to slow down. “It is. And here,” she let go of his hand and reached into one of her pockets, pulling out a few notes of Muggle money. “This should cover a new cup.” She shoved the money at him and he closed his fist over it. “I really have to get going,” Lily offered him an apologetic smile and turned to continue on her way. She'd find a spot to Apparate from and go somewhere she could be alone to collect her thoughts.

She wasn't expecting James to let go of his empty cup and reach for her wrist. She looked at him, surprised. “Don't keep going around like a chicken with its head cut off. Not paying attention to your surroundings could get you hurt. Wouldn't want you to bump into some one or some thing a lot more menacing than me.” He shrugged.

Lily didn't know what to say, too much was going on in her thoughts.

“You're trembling. Are you all right? Truly?”

Lily pulled her arm free. “I'm fine.”

James' eyes roved over her face, more discerning that before. “You don't look it.”

“You don't know me,” Lily reminded him.

“I'd like to.”

The world fell away and sudden silence fell, so loud her ears buzzed.

Thomas Bones. Edgar Bones. Manchester. Evans. The Order of the Phoenix. Death Eaters. Lily heard the words screamed inside of her mind like a mantra.

“Please.”

The world and all its noise crashed into Lily like a train. Her wand jumped in her pocket. She looked around, wondering if it was too late all ready. She needed to get out of London.

Thomas Bones. Edgar Bones. Manchester. Evans. The Order of the Phoenix. Death Eaters. _James_.

Lily looked back at James. “Okay. One cup.”

A blinding smile lit up James' face. He gestured to the café a few feet from where they stood. “After you.”

The café was a cozy little shop Lily had never been to before. The walls were lined with old photographs and the paraphernalia associated with tea and coffee. Bistro tables filled the space except for a narrow aisle that led to the counter.

“It's a bit of a tourist trap, but the tea is properly English,” James informed her.

“It's cute,” was all Lily could reply. “Comfy.”

James laughed and glanced at her. “Would you think me less manly if I agreed?”

Lily took a deep breath, hoping to force her heart to slow down. James' eye was still on her so she attempted to make her exhalation appear to be a sigh. “You're a bloke who admitted to _needing_ a cup of tea every morning in order to function before you told me your name. What makes you think you still have manliness to maintain in my opinion of you?”

James leaned an elbow against the counter. “You didn't laugh at me for admitting how much I like tea,” he told her with a wink before placing his order. “What would you like, Lily?”

She jumped and shook her head. “None for me.”

“What about a coffee?”

“I'm good, really,” she replied as she paid for James' drink.

The man continued watching her silently as they waited for his order. Lily finally felt her heart return to its normal pace when James laughed. “You're still here.”

Lily groped for something to say. Her wand was motionless in her pocket but she had no idea if and when it would jump again. It was best to hide inside a little bit longer. James look all too pleased with his observation. His drink was delivered and he walked Lily over to one of the small tables. Lily cleared her throat. “I'm been ensnared by your overwhelming manliness,” she deadpanned.

James choked on his tea. “Something about the way you said that makes me question your sincerity.”

“I'm not one to easily show affection,” the sudden confession surprised her.

James raised his eyebrows. “I'm known for wearing my heart on my sleeve.”

Lily's own heart skipped a beat. She tore her eyes from James' and looked around the café. What was going on? A few minutes in James' company and her brain ceased functioning properly. She fidgeted and opened her mouth to excuse herself. “James-”

“Lily,” he began at the same moment.

The both smiled bashfully. James motioned for Lily to speak.

“J-”

“James, mate! There you are!” Lily jumped as a tall man quickly strode over to their table, arriving before the café's door had shut. He was well-dressed and elegant in style and form, quite the opposite of James' rumbled and tea-stained appearance. James' eyes widened as the man started speaking. “Just got a message, we've got to go.” He noticed Lily then and flicked his eyes to James, smirking. “A morning date. That's new.”

James cleared his throat as a faint blush colored his cheeks.

“It's not a date,” Lily intervened. “I bumped into him outside and spilled his tea.” She pointed at the cup on the table. “I bought him another as an apology.”

“And they call you graceful,” the man sniffed at James.

“Still don't know how I managed to graduate from charm school,” James rejoined smiling. He turned from the man to Lily. “Lily, this is-”

Lily's wand jumped. She abruptly rose from her chair and made a show of looking at the clock on the wall. Both men looked bewildered.

“Lily, are you-”

“I have to go.”

James stood and put his arm out, blocking her way. “What's wrong?”

Lily swallowed. “I'm sorry. I have to go.” She looked to the other man briefly. “I think your friend said you had to as well.” She hurried to the door.

“Will I ever see you again?” James called out.

Lily paused near the door, her hand on the handle. Her wand jumped again. She shrugged. “London's a big city; who knows?” She ran out the door and across the street, car horns blaring as she went. There was an entrance to the Underground a block away. Lily headed for it and let out a sigh of relief when she saw a sign for a public restroom. She slowed her pace and walked in, thankful that there was no line. She entered an available stall, closed the door, and Apparated to the alley by her flat.

She took a moment to catch her breath. She pressed her palms, cold with nervous energy, to her face and neck. Once back to normal she made her way inside and up to her floor. She looked up from pulling her keys out of her pocket and stopped in the middle of the hallway. The elevator doors closed with a ding.

Severus was waiting for her.

“I would offer you congratulations, Lily, but why do I feet the feeling you know they aren't in order?”

Lil willed her feet to move. She breathed in a a shaky breath and blinked a few times in quick succession. “I got what I wanted.”

Snape's unwavering gaze made her feel as if he was looking inside of her. She fumble for the invisibility cloak she had borrowed and held it out for him. He left her doorway and took it from her.

“What happened, Lily?” Snape asked quietly. “The D.M.L.E. And the Muggle police are crawling all over the Bones' neighborhood.”

“Is Edgar alive?”

Snape narrowed his eyes at her. “You don't know?”

“I panicked,” Lily blurted.

Severus gripped her upper arms firmly and bent down so that his face was inches from hers. “Did Edgar see you?”

Lily searched her friend's face. She tried to speak but her voice caught in her throat. Severus shook her roughly. “He did!” Lily cried out as his fingers dug into her skin. “When I first caught them. He saw me as I took the cloak off, but then I Stupefied him.”

Severus dropped his hands from her arms. “Why in Merlin's name did you remove the cloak?”

“I... I wanted Thomas to recognize me. To see how he had failed.”

“And did he?”

The image of Thomas Bones' expression when he died came to the forefront of her mind. He _had_ recognized her. Lily wished she could be happy about that, but there was a sliver of unease in the pit of her stomach. “He did.”

Severus looked to the cloak in his hands. “You said you got what you wanted.” He paused and glanced at her through his lowered eyelashes. “What did he say?”

Manchester. Evans.

The words were on the tip of her tongue, but Lily watched Snape. He wasn't looking at her; Lily could see how tightly wound he was. Manchester. Cokeworth. _Did_ Severus know more than he was letting on? And if so, why? With the silence stretching between them Snape looked at her full on.

“He said it was an Order mission.” It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the complete truth, either.

Severus let out the breath he had been holding in. “Our master wishes to speak with you.”

Lily gripped her keys so tightly that their teeth pressed into her palm. “He sent you to bring me in?”

“For security reasons.”

“I'm ready,” she pushed past the tightness in her throat. She offered Snape her free hand and he clasped it with a sweaty hold. They turned together and arrived with a pop outside of Lucius Malfoy's country manor.

The home was well-warded. Lily noticed one that was essentially nothing but direction. Everyone knew the Malfoys had cast their lot in with the Death Eaters as soon as Voldemort had organized the group. But knowing and proving were two different things, which was also something everybody knew. It would be suicide to attack Malfoy Manor. Having an obvious protective ward was the family's way of saying, 'Just try it.', it wasn't really meant to keep enemies out. There were at least a dozen other wards set up that would make mincemeat out of anyone stupid enough to fall for the challenge.

Two senior Death Eaters stood by the front doors and cast scanning charms on her, but they let her maintain her dignity by allowing her to enter the house while in possession of her wand. Severus led her to a large study. The door was open and Lily could see Voldemort lounging in a wingback chair near an open fireplace. The scene startled Lily. Voldemort was associated with violence and cruelty. Her stomach dropped at the sudden realization that the discordant tableau was the dark wizard putting on a show for her and whoever else was in the house at that time. No one ever suspects the nice, quiet ones.

Snape knocked on the doorframe. “My lord? I've brought Miss Lestrange as you requested.”

Voldemort looked up and the smirk on his lips made Lily want to take a step back, away from him. The wizard placed a ribbon on the page he was reading and closed the thick tome one-handed with a snap. The logs in the fireplace crackled. “Thank you, Severus. I have another request of you.”

“Yes, my lord?”

Voldemort's expression went flat as he stood and looked straight into Lily's eyes. “Relieve Miss Lestrange of her wand. I'd like to inspect it.”

Lily felt her knees buckle. Severus was there with a hand on the small of her back in case she fell. She shook him off and removed her wand from the pocket it was in and offered it to her friend, handle first. Severus refused to meet her eyes as she took it. He walked over to his master and held it out just as Lily had. Voldemort's eyes never left her own as he stretched out his pale, long-fingered hand and closed his fingers around the handle. Lily felt dirtied by the action. Touching or holding another person's want was an intimate event. To do so without permission was generally deemed a scandal. This was another way of Voldemort asserting himself; it was another form of punishment.

“Did you get this wand from Ollivander's?”

“Yes, my lord.”

“Willow, is it?” the wizard asked, twisting the wand between his fingers.

“Yes.”

“And its flexibility?”

“Swishy.”

“Willow is good for charms. It must amplify your talent for that type of spellwork extraordinarily.”

Severus shifted uncomfortably, keeping his head bowed to avoid the gazes of the witch and wizard in the room with him.

Lily swallowed hard. “My instructor seemed to be of like mind.”

Voldemort smiled sardonically. “So perhaps your wand it to be blamed for your inability to properly curse a mostly Stupefied wizard?”

Severus finally raised his head and Lily could read the panic in his face.

“The fault is all mine, Lord Voldemort.”

The man took Lily's wand in both hands, watching how it curved as he pulled down on each end. Lily wanted to grab the wand from his hands and run away. Voldemort smiled cruelly and gave the wand back to Snape, point first. “Hold that, please.” Snape nodded and stepped back as Voldemort directed him to with a wave of his hand. “Come closer, Lily,” he spoke. “I do so hate yelling.”

Lily straightened her spine and walked a few feet into the room, knuckles white as she fisted her hands. She fought to control her fear and unclenched her palms.

Voldemort had his own wand in hand and used it to close the door with a slam. No one in the room jumped. “Why exactly did your Defedio not succeed in killing Edgar Bones this morning?”

It was only a few hours ago and they all ready knew what curse she used? “It was improperly aimed.”

“You weren't lacking in conviction while casting it?”

Lily bit her bottom lip. “I was... I cast the curse and meant it to harm, but I was distracted with other thoughts while aiming.”

Severus closed his eyes slowly and Lily knew that somehow she'd said something wrong.

“You were distracted with other thoughts? How dangerous. If the elder mister Bones had not all ready expired, your split mind could have turned the tables and it could be _you_ being mourned.”

“My lord,” Lily began but Voldemort held up his free hand to silence her.

“Do you know what the best way is to make sure you can overcome distractions on the battlefield, Lily?”

“No, my lord,” her voice was soft, barely audible of the fire.

“It is to fight distractions in a safe environment beforehand,” the older man replied, sounding like a teacher put out with poor students.

“I understand.”

“There's no time like the present to practice. You're here, I'm here,” he raised a thin eyebrow. “What do you think?”

“Yes, my lord,” she managed. The words had barely left her mouth before he calmly out her under the Cruciatus Curse. Lily felt a scream get ripped from her throat. Her vision went white. She could think of nothing but the overwhelming pain that filled every atom of her body. It felt like she was being ripped apart from the very core of her being, an excruciatingly slow eroding expansion from the inside to her extremities.

Lily registered the aged wool rug against her cheek and the way the heat of the first reached her feet first because of the way she was lying on on the floor. Her ears buzzed and the muscles of her body spasmed in odd groupings.

“That was ten seconds under the Cruciatus Curse. What were you thinking about while under it?” Voldemort asked clinically.

Lily tried to reply, but her heart was in her throat beating fast than she could count.

“Let's try again.”

Lily's body tensed at the warning which only made the curse's effects worse. The first time, her body instinctively constricted itself under the pain. This time Lily was so stiff to start with that she felt like her limbs were being quartered in an external pain – in addition to the internal shredding. The agony was all-consuming and she tried to keep her wits about her.

“That was another ten. Any improvement?”

“Hurt more,” Lily whimpered.

“Now try to think of something a touch more eloquent.”

Lily's eyes found Severus'. He was watching with a mostly well-concealed horror, he wand squeezed in his hands. Stars burst across her vision as she grappled for a handhold to cling to as the pain intensified. An untold amount of fiery pins pierced her organs. Her throat was raw from screaming. She searched for something to focus on even as she writhed on the ground.

The café.

The pain stopped. “Well? That was fifteen seconds.”

Lily dragged her head along the floor. When Voldemort's feet came into view she rolled her head backwards to look at him. “A café.”

“Oh, _brava_ , Miss Lestrange! Now let's see you try Defedio once more while distracted. Severus, if you would please get our guest. I'll take Miss Lestrange's wand back.”

Snape handed over his friend's wand and walked around her. The door to the study opened with a quiet click. Voldemort ignored Lily, choosing to resume his reading while they waited for Snape's return. Lily remained on the floor, testing her ability to move. She had pushed herself into a half-seated position when Snape returned, dragging a bruised and battered man behind him.

Lily almost gasped. Dark hair, long limbs, a lean build. Had Severus spotted her earlier? Had he seen her with James and decided to use him as an example? Her stomach rolled. Why had she gone wandering about the streets? James was nothing but a Muggle and she had inadvertently brought him into the viper's nest because he had distracted her from her panic. But then she saw the man's swollen face and saw his vivid blue eyes. It wasn't James. She sagged in relief and forced herself to her feet.

“Lily, this is Benjy Fenwick. A proud member of the Order of the Phoenix, as you can see by the way he dumbly displays for all the world to see,” Voldemort resumed his academic tone. Lily blinked away the remains of dizziness from her torture and saw what Voldemort was referring to. There, on the inside of Fenwick's left forearm was a phoenix tattoo. It was similar in size to the Dark Mark and Lily wondered if it had the same magical properties. But while Voldemort's followers hid their Marks from view, Benjy Fenwick wore a short-sleeved polo shirt, leaving the phoenix on display. “A rather ironic place for a tattoo, Mr. Fenwick. All things considered,” Voldemort continued.

“'Swhat I was going for,” Fenwick replied bravely in a thick Cockney accent.

“How clever,” the dark wizard told him as he turned to Lily. He offered her her wand back with a flourish. She felt all thee men's eyes on her. “Defedio, Miss Lestrange. With the intent to _kill_ , not _harm_.”

Lily took her wand and faced Fenwick. His face was mottled with bruises and lacerations. She did not want to look him in the eyes, but to look elsewhere would be cowardly. She took a deep breath to steady herself and swung her arm through the first gesture of the hex. “De-” she began the incantation, only to be hit with two stinging hexes. “Defedio!” The curse hit its mark and Benjy Fenwick was no more.

Lily stood frozen, arm hanging in space, staring where the man had just been. Gore splattered the study's oak paneling and a few painting were abandoned by their inhabitants.

She had just killed a man in cold blood.

Voldemort was at her side before she could break down. “See, that wasn't so hard, was it?” Lily clamped her mouth shut and shook her head. “Good. I'm glad we've got that sorted out. Now for item number two.” He curled his cold hand around her chin, lifting it up to stare into her eyes. “Did you succeed in finding out why Thomas Bones murdered your family?”

“He said it was an Order mission.”

Voldemort's hand tightened its grip as he searched her eyes. He released her after several moments and stepped past her. He placed his hand on the center of her back, right on top of where she had been branded with the Dark Mark. Unlike the Death Eaters' Marks, however, Lily's was not imbued with magic. Not yet. Was Voldemort going to do so now? He pressed a finger right where the skull's forehead was inked. He leaned over her shoulder and whispered, “Partial falsehoods are just as bad as full out lies. Do not make the mistake of lying to me again.”

A cold wave overcame Lily as Voldemort exited the room. Snape rushed to her side and cradled her in his arms. “Lily-”

“I want to go home, Sev,” she sighed wetly.

Her friend said no more, casting a quick cleansing charm to clean the both of their clothes from gore and picking her up and out of the room. “Clean up in there,” he ordered one of the Death Eaters in the foyer.

“What should we do with any remains?”

“Put them someplace his friends will find them.”

The Death Eater nodded and Lily closed her eyes as Severus made his way out of the manor and post its wards. He Apparated directly to the stairwell inside Lily's apartment building and carried her to her door. She carefully settled her feet on the ground and pulled out her keys.

“Do you want me to stay with you?”

“No. It's been a long morning. I just want to sleep,” Lily unlocked her door and turned the knob to enter her flat.

Snape reached out and gently covered her hand with his own. “Lily, I'm sorry.”

Lily looked up and into the wizard's deep brown eyes. He _was_ feeling badly, she could tell. Repentant, but not exactly sorry. “You just did what you were told to do, Sev. I don't think I can fault you for that.”

He looked as if he wanted to say more but simply nodded. Withdrawing his hand he told her, “I'll come back in a few hours with something to eat.”

“All right, I'll see you later.”

Severus turned for the staircase and Lily entered her flat. Sunlight streamed through the windows. It was hard to believe it was still daylight out. So much had happened in a short span of time. Sore and feeling ill and broken, Lily padded to her bedroom and collapsed on her bed.

* * *

 

Lily didn't venture too far from her apartment for a few days following that awful morning. It was after four days of self-imposed exile that the cabin fever got to her and she set out for some fresh air. She headed towards central London, musing as she went. It was early on a Sunday morning so there weren't many people about. She thought of James, that peculiar Muggle. She wondered if he was considered odd amongst other Muggles. He'd flirted so casually with her. She felt her cheeks flush at the memory. It's possible he was nothing but a cad, but he had noticed her distress and had seemed earnest in his concern for her. She shook her head. She had said London was a big city, she wouldn't put stock into their crossing paths again.

Lily found herself arriving at the Thames and turned to walk alongside of it. She stopped for a muffin from a shop a few minutes later and followed a sidewalk to one of the bridges over the river. She leaned against the railing and watched the river flow, losing herself in thought. She was no closer to figuring out the puzzle Thomas Bones' words created.

The only person in her circle of acquaintances she felt she could ask was Severus, but the thought of doing so made her uncomfortable. She contemplated why that was. He had taken on the Dark Mark two years prior and ever since had been slipping further away from her. Before they had been able to spend hours in companionable fashion but when he had returned to her flat for supper the other day he had acted like a nanny, telling her to shower, sitting her down afterwards and forcing her to eat. They couldn't speak free to each other anymore.

Going to the Ministry for information was also out. For years the heightened tensions between the Death Eaters and the Order of the Phoenix meant that no one got into the Ministry unless they worked there or had an official document allowing them to be there. Even if she was able to get a summons word would reach someone who worked for Voldemort and he in turn would send for her. She sighed and lay her forehead on the railing. Voldemort had spies everywhere in the Wizarding World. Her hands were effectively tied.

“Lily?”

The witch in question sprang up and dropped her muffin into the river. She looked over her should, disbelieving what she saw.

“It _is_ you! I knew it!” James was grinning as he approached. He was dressed smartly in a black suit with a slightly longer hem than what Muggles usually wore. His hair was as much of a mess of coal black tufts as it had been when they'd first met. He ambled over and leaned against the railing beside her, his luminous smile draining all thought from her mind. “I said to myself, 'I'd know that head of gorgeous red hair anywhere' and it turns out I'm right.” Lily couldn't help but stare. Had she somehow magically called him to her? The idea seemed preposterous even to her. He chuckled. “all right, Lily?”

“You made me drop my muffin.”

He laughed heartily, head thrown back before he looked down at her, shaking his head. “Sorry about that.” A grin stretched across his lips and Lily was certain he was recalling their first meeting just as she was. “May I buy you another?”

“You aren't running late to anything, are you?” she asked eying his finely tailored suit. On any other person the ensemble would look sombre.

The man shook his head. “I'm early today. You?”

“I'm just out for a walk.”

He smiled again and Lily felt her heart skip. “There's a great bakery a few blocks east of here.”

Lily quirked a brow. “Get around, do you?”

“I'm a bachelor who doesn't know how to cool. Knowing where I can buy a good meal is vital to my survival.” They shared a laugh and Lily followed James as he stepped away from the railing. There was an awkward moment of silence before James turned his head to look at her. “Are you well? The other day you seemed... distressed.”

Lily shook her hair out of her face and glanced up at him. He was a complete stranger – a Muggle! – but she felt relaxed and comfortable right now. “I was. Distressed, I mean. But I'm better now. I apologize for leaving so abruptly.”

“Dinna fash,” he shrugged. A second later he rubbed a palm over his face. “I mean don't worry about it. Sorry, I've spent the past couple of days in Scotland.”

“Are you Scottish?” the witch inquired. He hadn't sounded so when they'd met, but now the burr was evident.

“Near enough to being so,” he replied, trying to soften his accent. “My mother's from Cumbria and I spent a lot of time over the Border when I was young. My, er, governess,” he stumbled, “was a stern old Highlander as well.”

Lily smiled softly. “I think it suits you.”

James ducked his head. “My father's from the Cotswolds. It used to drive him spare when I would get in trouble with my governess and then my mother would get involved. I'd get loud while trying to defend myself and then _they_ would get loud and all of us going would cause our accents to get thicker.”

“Sounds like a sweet memory.”

“Yeah, well. It was life,” James sucked his lips between his teeth and she hoped she hadn't made him uncomfortable. “So what about you? Despite your poshness you don't sound like a native Londoner.”

“I grew up just outside of Bath. The poshness is due to the efforts of _my_ governess.”

“Ah, a richy, are you?” James teased.

“You're one to talk,” Lily laughed.

“Touché,” he opened the door to the bakery and Lily breathed in the aromatic scents of spices and fruits. Lily walked to the display and felt her mouth water at the various pastries. “Pick whatever you want.”

“Are you sure?” she asked.

“Well, so long as you don't want to buy out the place, yes, I'm sure.”

She picked out a cinnamon roll which James commented was a good choice. He ordered one for himself but chose tea while Lily opted for cocoa. They left the store with their purchases and found themselves in a park. They ate a few bites in companionable silence before Lily felt the need to speak. “I'm not really a richy.” James paused in his chewing before swallowing the bite in his mouth. “I was adopted.”

It was bizarre for Lily to makes the confession for several reasons. Firstly, everyone she knew all ready knew she was adopted. And when she would be introduced to someone for the first time, if the newcomer didn't all ready know, whoever was making the introduction would include the fact. 'This is Lily, the Lestranges' adopted daughter.' Lily rarely had cause to mention it herself. Secondly, she was a member of an ardent blood supremacist family and here she was, sitting with a Muggle man, sharing her history. Thirdly, even disregarding the difference between their worlds, they were still utter strangers to each other. James made her feel differently than anyone else had, and she knew she shouldn't abandon the lessons she'd been taught about keeping mum. James made her want to, though. It was frightening how easily he made her feel as if they'd known each other for ages.

“Did you just find out?” James asked carefully. “Is that why you were upset the other day?”

“No. Not exactly. I've always known I was adopted. My current family took me in when I was around six years-old,” Lily explained. “The other day... I've been looking for information on my biological family and I discovered some details.”

“Good things or bad?”

Lily shrugged. “I'm not sure.” She looked apprehensively to the man beside her. “I knew that the rest of my family had passed away. That's why I was adopted. I never knew why or any of the other details surround their deaths.”

“So it was a bit of a shock to learn something either way.”

Lily nodded. “The family that adopted me is from Bath, but I found out my biological family was from the Manchester area.”

“You're thinking about visiting? Re-discovering your roots?”

She nodded again, surprised at James' calmness at her words. “But I don't know how to go about learning more. I'm not even sure of my parents' names.”

James took a long sip of his tea and leaned back against the park bench. He stretched his legs out before him and hooked his hands behind his head. He let out a breath. “If you're looking for someone but all you know is that when he or she passed on and the city they lived in, you should be able to find their obituaries. You could find copies of the newspaper from the time of their deaths at a library.” He offered her a sad smile. “I'm sorry about your loss. It must have been tough.”

Lily fidgeted. “I don't remember anything about before the night they died.”

James twisted beside her. “Nothing?”

“Not a thing aside from the fact that I had a mum, dad, and older sister. I was diagnosed with amnesia before I was adopted.”

James searched her face, uncertainty painting his own features. “Did your family pass tragically?”

Lily picked at her cinnamon roll. “They were killed,” she spoke quietly.

She heard James suck in a breath. He pulled his limps back, closer to the bench. “Then there would be official police records. News stories, too. As a relative you'd be granted access to official documents.”

“My adoptive parents, they don't approve of my desire to rediscover my roots, as you said.”

“Are you still under their care?”

“What do you mean?”

“Does your adoptive family still provide for the majority of your basic needs?”

“Well, no.”

“So there's nothing they can do if you want to find out about who you are.”

“It's a bit more complicated than that, James.”

He shrugged. “You've got leads you can follow further. You've got questions. I've just suggested how you could go about getting answers. The choice is yours. You just have to make a decision.” He met Lily's gaze and matched it unwaveringly. Slowly he reached out a hand to brush a lock of hair from her face. “You shouldn't feel ashamed of where you come from.” He let his hand drop from her face. He pulled at his jacket and dipped his hand into the inside pocket. He pulled out a pen and small pad of paper. He wrote something down after considerable thought and handed the note to her. “Once you've chosen what to do, if you'd like, you can reach me here.”

Lily took the piece of paper and scanned her eyes along the phone number he'd written. “Are you sure?”

“Do you want me to say it three times?” he smiled.

Lily mirrored him. “No, I believe you.”

James nodded and looked at his watch. “I should go now, before I'm late,” he apologized.

“Off to church?”

“A funeral he replied tightly.”

“Oh, James, I'm sorry.”

He gestured for her to be at ease. “I meant what I said the other day, Lily. I _would_ like to know you.”

Lily felt something blossom in her heart. “I'd like to know you, too.”

The man lifted a hand to ruffle his hair, abashed. “So. I can look forward to you calling?”

Lily rubbed her fingers against the paper he'd given her. She would need to get a phone installed, but how hard could that be? Lily smiled to herself and then lifted her head to smile at James. “You can.”

James beamed and held out a hand to her. She placed her free hand in his and he lifted it slightly and bent down to kiss it. Her heart fluttered. “Then I will.” He relinquished her hand, picked up the remains of his breakfast, and took several slow steps back. He waved, his joy obvious. Lily laughed at him, feeling his infectious happiness. He laughed back and spun on his heel, leaving her to finish her roll and cocoa.

* * *

 

James' words echoed in her mind as the day continued. The decision to learn about her family's murders was her own. The Lestranges had raised and educated her, but they had not been a family. Rodolphus and Rastaban had largely ignored her due to being so much older than her, but Bellatrix had taken special pleasure in belittling Lily for every little thing.

_'You shouldn't feel ashamed of where you come from,'_ James had said.

Lily made her choice. She wasted no time, Apparating to her flat. She quickly packed an overnight bag and hailed a taxi.

“Where to, miss?”

“I need to get a train to Manchester, sir. Which station would I leave from.”

The cabbie pursed his lips together. “London Euston Station.”

“Then there, please.”

Once there Lily looked to see where in Manchester the train pulled in. With that information she walked to the restroom and entered a stall to Apparate to the city she once called home.

* * *

 

Lily registered at a hostel after arriving in Manchester. Since the Central Library was all ready closed she toured the city. She had supper at a pub near the hostel and turned in for the night early.

Monday morning came and Lily ate a quick breakfast before heading to the Central Library. She asked one of the librarians for assistance and some time later Lily was seated before a microfiche reader with a roll of film for the appropriate year and month loaded. Her heart was in her throat as she began scrolling through the newspaper looking for the obituaries section.

It was an hour of careful inspection before she found anything. Her hands grew cold as she read the words through the screen.

 

_**The Community of Cokeworth Mourns Loss** _

_The Community of Cokeworth mourns the loss of Mr. Henry Evans (28), his wife Katherine (née Llanwellyn, 28), and their daughter Lily (6)._

 

Lily felt her heart stop. She struggled to breath. Her mother and father. Henry and Katherine. They had been so young! But why was she listed? It was her sister who had passed. She kept reading.

 

_The family is survived by their daughter and sister, Petunia Evans (8)._

 

Petunia was her sister. Petunia was _alive_?

 

_The three Evanses were trapped in their home as it burned. Witnesses reported that Mr. Evans had exited his home with Petunia and had re-entered to assist his wife and younger daughter._

 

The obituary continued on, describing her parents – a mill worker and a housewife. A mill worker? That wasn't a wizard profession. Was only her mother a witch? What about her sister? – and herself before detailing information on the fund being set up by the local Anglican church her family had attended for Petunia's care. Funeral information followed. Lily read the words in a daze. How could this be? She'd been told it was her family that had been murdered – _murdered_ , not lost in a conflagration. The obituary said only that the cause for the fire was under investigation. The newspaper also said that it was her parents and herself that had perished, which was clearly wrong. It didn't make sense. She looked back to the beginning of the entry. 'The Community of Cokeworth.' Cokeworth.

Severus.

A deadweight pulled Lily's heart from her throat into the pit of her stomach. She had had her suspicions and now they were confirmed. Lily squeezed her eyes shut and bit back the tears welling in her eyes. She noted the page and scrolled forward through the roll, searching for any mentions of the results of the investigation, but there was nothing. That could only mean the fire had been related to matters in the Wizarding World. She rewound to the obituary and read it through a few more times. She took a deep breath and held it until her lungs burned. She released it slowly, her hand trembling as she pressed the print button. She walked to the reception desk to pick up the printed copy, paid for it, and returned to the machine. She ejected the film roll and turned the reader off. After returning the roll to its proper location she left the library numb. She swayed on the sidewalk, gasping for breath. Tears fell down her cheeks. Her entire world was crumbling.

A police box stood on a nearby corner. A patrolman stood outside of it in conversation with a man walking a dog. Lily started to cross the street towards them, but paused before stepping off of the sidewalk.

Voldemort had spies everywhere, and the story she'd been told did not match what was in the Muggle paper. Her heart pounded against her ribcage. She had hit another roadblock. She needed to return to London and start coming up with another plan. She picked up her belongings from the hostel and was back in London at her flat in moments. She had tucked the print out of the obituary in the pocket she had stored the note with James' phone number. She stopped by the building management off ice and inquired about what was needed to get a phone line set up. The superintendent gave her an odd look at the question, but she pretended to be a clueless (and helpless) young Muggle – which wasn't too much of a stretch, all thing considered. The man used his own phone to set up the arrangements for a technician to come in the next day.

Lily wishes she could owl James, so eager was she to talk with him. It would be difficult to explain without breaking the Statute of Secrecy, but if she wouldn't be able to talk to him until the next day, she had plenty of time to prepare herself.


End file.
